In straight relationships the roles of romance are usually quite easy to figure out. Between women and men the woman will always get the heads up on the surprises, the gifts, the luxuries (if lucky), the Cinderella red carpet (if you have a gentleman), and above all else which wraps up everything with a rose red bow, the romance. But how do these roles align in a gay relationship. How does a gay couple know who should be romanced?
My main argument will come later to really discuss gay men relationships, but first we have to understand the dynamics. Rather in a Lesbian, Transgender, Bisexual, or a full on man on man relationship the roles are usually explained in the beginning. Some people say there has to be one role that is more feminine than the other, so in every case the easy way to know who gets romanced is who has the most feminine characteristics. Who in the relationship shows and prefers to be more feminine. I would have to give the Transgender and Bisexual couples an upper hand. Of course not in every case, but for the most part these are easy in and easy out. No I am not referring to the sexual positions one may take in the relationship (you may day dream if you like), but usually the more manlier figure is going to be the man. In Bisexual relationships (referring to if a man is involved), especially if the man is not so manly (wink), the roles usually still go to the man. Yes the roles do flip on occasion, and yes I understand that this does not count for every set in the world. But they do tend to be what the observer sees.
Now for Lesbians and Gays. (This term “gay” is usually set for gay men in particular. There are other names but they tend to lean to the more sexual persuasion. ;p) This is where it gets a little bit more difficult. In lesbian relationships and gay relationships we have either two men or two women. Depending if you are in open relationships or not, options may vary, but for this blog we will stick with the classic set of twos. If we find that each person in the relationship still show those different characteristics then we usually find the “Manlier” figure is the one romancing. But situations do still get confusing. That is why communication is key to the success of it.
I still give an upper hand to women relationships as well because women tend to still go out of their way for each other rather one is expecting to be "The Romanced." With both still having a woman’s touch. Again "YES" relationships will vary depending where you are, what kind of people you engaged with, and what kind of values each of you hold, but women in my experience still understand the power of communication which in turn allow themselves to share roles.
Well now we finally come to gay men relationships. They are difficult “Son of a Guns” aren’t they. I often hear the coined phrase that “Hollywood Relationships last longer than a Gay Relationship.” That “You’re lucky if you get to a 1 year anniversary.” Even that “7 months in a gay relationship is like 3 or more years in gay years.” As we all know these are not true. I have heard of many relationships that have been together much longer with no infidelities and are still together. They are also very happy “Son of A Guns.” My boyfriend, in particular, would definitely stand strong on that notion, but I can’t help myself and believe that there is some truth in those ridiculous sayings.
Last night I was battling between these views. My boyfriend is 6 years older than I, so maybe my idea is just based on my generation alone or maybe we have just been traveling in two very different circles. In which, his is surrounded by long lasting gay relationships and mine on singles trying or not caring to be in relationships. Rather which is more accurate we all know that any relationship is difficult. Some flow with more ease than others, but still challenges do apply.
In gay relationships we have two men. As statistics show women do mature faster than men. That includes our minds. Now in Scientist America it does show that straight women and gay men have similar minds different of those of the heterosexual male orient. Scientists say, “In the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences USA that gay men and straight women share similar traits—most notably in the size of their brains and the activity of the amygdala.” But men are still men and sometimes the needs are not as obvious. In saying this, the roles in the relationship can get even more difficult.
The rules of attraction are still seen here, because usually those with feminine traits end off with those men with more masculine traits. (Do not get offended by my use of titling by these two different categories, because I am simply using a method that we can all understand.) Romance on the other hand gets hazy. The overall idea is that women get romanced and men do the romancing. So what do we do when there are two men?
Besides the fact of the rules of attraction, sometimes we find ourselves in equal balanced relationships. That means that both share feminine and masculine traits; preferring to share the roles and name themselves in a “Partnered Relationship.” Not labeling either as the man or woman. I agree with this concept because that is what I am in. I do prefer to be the one that romances, but what I have learned over the years is that men want to be romanced too.
It doesn’t matter if you are in a heterosexual or gay relationship both need to be romanced. Both need to feel like they are wanted, loved, and appreciated. Maybe this means in different ways, but that is your job to figure out. I think this is where the misconception and difficulty comes from when it comes to gay relationships.
Men you need to show your partner that you love them. If you are not one of those people that can be what the relationship requires (highlighting the commitment factor aka not cheating), then maybe you should be honest with yourself and your lover. Simply asking and not always assuming can make a big difference. Sometimes even asking again after a certain time has elapsed can make even a bigger difference. As honest as we try to be our walls will always be up in the beginning, so asking in a different way later on in the relationship can save it. And do us all a favor and stop using the man approach. It is not fair to use the “Well I am a Man” excuse. If you want to be single then be respectful of the other in the relationship and get out. If you want to be both then cover that with your partner up front, but it takes two to make a long lasting commitment. That will beat the odds in any embarkment, because a relationship is a relationship above all else. It takes time. It takes work. It takes trust, love, and honesty. But never forget it also takes romance.
Posts
