Minute's Dream

Minute’s Dream

The day is dawning, the night is falling

Each moment my heart is calling

Telling me to never let go,

Of those last minute dreams that would soon to grow,

Step by step she guides my way

Into my painting that I portray.

My tears give life to my first-born child

As his face glows, my heart weeps for a while

Not of pain or sadness or anything like that

But at my first touch of paradise

when I carried him in my lap.

He wrinkled his eyes and glanced his first sight

He smiled at my soul and held my finger tight

I brushed his poor head as I whispered

for only him to hear;

And told him I will always love him,

in his little ear.

The day is dawning, the night is falling

Each moment my heart is calling

Telling me to never let go,

Of those last minute dreams

that would soon to grow.

Step-by-Step she guides my way

Into my painting that I portray.

How strange it is in how fast they grow

When it just felt like yesterday

When I brought him home,

Now I watch and cheer,

as he takes his first hit

My hands begin to tremble as I pray he’ll hit it,

He runs base to base, using every ounce he has left,

Focusing only on the home, as hearts own content.

The day is dawning, the night is falling

Each moment my heart is calling

Telling me to never let go,

Of those last minute dreams that would soon to grow.

Step-by-Step she guides my way,

Into my painting that I portray…

Until one day when all is well,

And your little miracle begins his tale,

He uses the values that you once had taught

To live his own life is which God has brought

And in these moments you realize what you know

That it is finally time to let him go.

12:47 am

Nicilija Macklis

High Tops

High Tops

Pink tops, black stripped, tattered to the “t”

All styles that resemble me

These are my high top shoes

Laced in the back, laced in the front

Cris-crossed to the slit

Or lined to a crisp

Patterned with ruffle, or cropped with a smile

Scribbled with “I Luv Yous, and Fuck Yous”

Tapered at the bottom

These are my high top shoes

Loud colored siloets, hello kitty emblems

Mismatched socks that are stuffed right in them

I wear them sheik, I wear them down

There’s no wrong way to fit them round

These are my high top shoes

Having them tight, or keeping the tongue long

Is really a matter of choice

So just put the fuckin things on

There the first thinks I put on in the morning,

And the last things I would puke into

They’re the shoes I wear,

They’re my High Top shoes

5:35am

Nicilija Macklis

Get Out of the Shadows

     Everyday I meet people and talk to friends who are struggling. I listen to problems of career choices, relationships, feelings of restlessness, feelings of worthlessness, worries about financial hardships, and depression.  I hear cries over the phone from good people who can’t find a way to get themselves out of these boxes for what ever reasons. I read past plenty of blogs about loved ones who seem to be stuck in this constant shadow they are placing themselves behind. It is hard times for many, and there is no other way around it, but you really just need to slap yourself in the face.  I’m sorry. And if that doesn’t work take a cold shower, wipe your tears off in the bathroom, and run in the streets naked if you have to. Wake Up! Life is too worth wild to give up, too engaging to walk around with “Poor Me” across your forehead, and too passionate to put your self in the DOG HOUSE. Well, if you’re married and your lover puts you there for something you did, then good riddance, but hey I know most of you aren’t.

     My life is nothing close to perfect, by all means, and someday I will share, but I don’t use my dilemmas and struggles as excuses. Yes, sometimes they can be very legitimate, but if you want something badly you wouldn’t stop going after it, RIGHT? I mean for those that were raised with religion in their lives, one of the first things we are taught is this word “Sacrifice.” As much as many of us try to block those years from our psyche, which are all legitimate of course ;), sacrifices and prioritizing are important. That is why we were taught it annoyingly enough to the point of when we didn’t practice these philosophies we felt guilt. It is embedded in us and is a part of us. We need to use this to get through these moments. We need to use it to narrow down our lives and figure out what is causing us to fall off course. Then create a plan to get back up again. In one of my past blogs, I wrote that I have quotes surrounding my room of people I look up to and others I have written myself, because they remind me of how I can, why I want, and why I should get up every morning. You have to understand what will give you the motivation to keep pushing and keep it close to you. Allow it to be in a visible place that you can look at everyday to give you a little guidance when you need it. It doesn’t matter what it is, because the importance is only meant for you.

     One quote I will share is one I also used as a “Status Up Date” a couple weeks ago. It is also a quote I have not removed from my mirror, because I’m not done with it yet.  It reads, “To focus we must steer away from what causes us to get distracted. It doesn’t mean we have to stay like this forever, but until we can become strict with ourselves, we will never account to anything in this decade.” I wrote this in a time I was really struggling, but knowing for myself that words give me power, it gave me the opportunity to push on. Someone can probably find something that’s wrong with this quote, but for me it doesn’t matter and that’s the point. I know the meaning, and I know what it does for me.That’s it. So put a smile on, figure out what you need to do to keep smiling, and work on everything else one day at a time.

    

Ciao

Nico

     

Gambit - Marvel Universe Wiki: The definitive online source for Marvel super hero bios.

Gambit - Marvel Universe Wiki: The definitive online source for Marvel super hero bios.

gleeclipse

Journey to "AIDS California Walk 2010"

Please Check out the link below. It is the link to my "Aids Walk Web Page." The 2010 "AIDS California Walk" will be on September 26th. Even if you can not make it out to Volunteer, your support in the form of a donation will definitely help. If that is to much as well, I understand it is difficult for some right now, please take a couple minutes to spread the word. 

http://takeaction.aidshealth.org/goto/NicolasGuerra

Here is a link to give you a visual of where these donations are going, and why it is important for all of us to support causes just like this one. Thank you for your time.

http://www.youtube.com/aidshealth


Ciao
Nico

Back Your Track Over Packed Jack!

     Right now I am sitting in a coffee shop and sipping on my “Bold Coffee of the Day” overhearing little conversations around me. As you can probably start to image, the sounds of the horns are trumping and the voices of “Old Time Blues Singers” are traveling through the air.  This is one of my favorite places to just get some work done, or even on my best of days, to just sit and listen. You might be asking yourself, “Why are you sitting alone, in a coffee shop, just listening to conversations?” Well, obviously it is because I am waiting for a “Huge Group of People” to burst in at any second to join me.  EEEENNNT!! WRONG!. Lol.  As fun as that sounds, No….,  Occasionally, I do enjoy just sitting in random places by myself, allowing not only the music, but random strangers to entertain me with their random looks and conversations.  It is enlightening and sometimes quite funny actually. You get “Slight Hellos,” “ Curious Georges with big “?” marks on their faces, and sometimes are even blessed with “ THE NUNS.” Yes my friends.  But not just any NUNS, but the ones with the full “I’M MARRIED TO GOD” get up and slow pacing struts that only seem to get slower.

     Today I over heard these, “ GRACIOUS BEEDS OF LIGHT”   share a story about something very unexpected. One, I have to say, I felt shameful to even allow myself to point my ears at.  The kind of conversation that makes you wonder what really is going on in those convents. They were giggling over “Excess Baggage another Sister was holding on to from a past relationship.” Ok, it wasn’t that bad, but come on I had to gain your attention with a good intro. It would have been funny though if they were talking about a -Sex Scandal between two of the sisters that turned out to be real sisters, and then that other sister, “who everyone knew had the genital warts that one time,” ended off being a man who had a sex change!!!!... Oh, that would have been some juicy stuff.  Someone should put that on a Novela Episode sometime… I CALL ALL COPYWRIGHTS!!!!!!!!

    Anyways, that got me thinking about the whole “Baggage” thing.  We all carry it around, some more generously than others, but it brought up the questions, “WHEN IS TOO MUCH, TOO MUCH? WHEN WILL YOU KNOW FOR YOUSELF WHEN THE RIGHT TIME, IS THE RIGHT TIME, TO GET BACK ON THE WAGON? HOW DO YOU RECOGNIZE IT IN SOMEONE THAT YOU ARE DATING BEFORE YOU GET TOO INVOLVED? AND FINALLY- WHEN IS IT THE RIGHT TIME TO START TELLING THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE???? So many bloody questions that I still at times deal with. The same questions I know everyone else battles with as well.

     Well first things first, the time is not on a first date. NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! “A mistake that I will never do again!.... NEVERRRR!!!.  I can tell you from personal experience if you are still talking about your Ex to someone you just met, ‘’OBVIOUSLY THAT IS BAGGAGE YOU HAVE NOT LET GO.” Luckily, this guy was very nice who I think understood I just needed to vent it out. So for his time, I bought him all the drinks he wanted for putting up with me, and said “Farewell.”  If you haven’t noticed I am going out of order. My past personal experience of an event as such, turned out to be best used now, so here we are discussing the last question first. ‘WHEN IS IT THE RIGHT TIME TO START TELLING THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE?” I think it is different for everyone. Depending how long you have known each other for in real time, and how many opportunities you guys have had to bond. We know it is not the first date.  As much as it is easier at times to go that direction, lets leave the “Darker and More intense Conversations” for the 3rd and beyond dates. In the beginning, it should be light and fun. Ask questions to allow your self to understand what kind of person the other is. I have always thought, the person who asks a lot of questions turns out to be the one who is genuinely interested.  I am not saying to “ Act like a Reporter and Go Crazy,” but have some spice with it and show some personality.  The more clever questions always caught my eye, and usually allowed me to want to know more about the other. Which meant, ‘SECOND DATE ;).”

     HOW DO YOU RECOGNIZE IT IN SOMEONE THAT YOU ARE DATING BEFORE YOU GET TOO INVOLVED? Best way is to follow your instincts. Most people know the answer early off, but usually decide to keep pursuing out of these “Stupid Rules of Engagement.” You know, those “Rules we abide by, because Disney movies planted in our heads at an early age that ‘Love will Prevail in All,’ or those rules we leeched on to from magazines like Cosmo.” I am not saying anything is wrong with that, believe me, especially for those of us who have bad instincts. As a fellow candidate who usually has great advice for others, but SUCKS IN LIFE ON READING SIGNS FOR HIS OWN, I completely understand. Just try to figure out the little signs now, so later on, these dilemmas will not happen again. Practice always makes perfect.

     WHEN WILL YOU KNOW FOR YOUSELF WHEN THE RIGHT TIME, IS THE RIGHT TIME, TO GET BACK ON THE WAGON? Well again, everyone is of course different and every situation is different.  Answering this question can take pages depending how deep we want to go and how much “Shit” happened in it. For time purposes, lets just go over some of the generals. It first starts with that healing we all need. For me, it was a while. I had to look within myself to see how much I was broken, and relearn to be me again. Since I am definitely the “Hopeless Romantic,” after I was happy with being single again, and when I was able to look in the mirror to really smile, I know it was time.  I regained my confidence, and got in touch with every one of my passions, and before I knew it, I think I not only gained myself back, but also grew into whom I was always supposed to be. People sometimes believe in the need of the quote on quote “REBOUND RELATIONSHIP.”  I do too. Lol. But it is just not that easy. Most of the time, that one is not enough. You might have several little flings, hook ups, or even heart to heart relationships before you truly become ok again. It all depends on you and all of it is acceptable. Just be honest with yourself before taking any leaps of faith in these kinds of situations, because you don’t want to hurt the REBOUNDS. They have feelings too… LOL!

      Last but not least, the final question. WHEN IS TOO MUCH, TOO MUCH?  What I am asking here is, “When is the other’s Baggage, or your own, to Much to bare?” Simple. When the other’s baggage starts to really change you, who you are, and when everything in your world becomes about the other’s needs, IT IS TOO MUCH.  Or when you feel yourself trying to take on this new project as a cover up, because you don’t want to deal with everything else at the moment. IT IS TOO MUCH. I am not directing this to married relationships that have been together for years, nor am I overlooking the “OUT OF MY HAND SITUATIONS WHERE PROBLEMS BEGIN TO FALL OUT OF NO WHERE.” I am speaking to newly fresh relationships, including dating status, where it should still be at a getting to know each other bases. We all have different levels of what we can handle, our job is to realize how much we can take on and act on it. Not to be afraid of saying, “Look, you are amazing, but I am not ready for something like this,” or “Dude, you are definitely TO KOO KOO FOR MY COCOA PUFFS.” That is your job! You deserve it to yourself, and you deserve it to the other person involved.

    Well, that is my blog for the night. If you decided to make this part of your entertainment for the day, “I thank you,” and if I was able to help you out a little, then I did my job. Either way, I had a great time writing this one, because one day I hope to have a column geared in this direction of topic, or maybe something else. ;) If you have any questions about things bothering you, please do not hesitate to email me on Facebook, and I will try to help you out to the best of my ability. I may ask if it is ok to post a new “BLOG” about it, but if not then it will be completely confidential. Just say the words, or should I say, “ASK AWAY.”

Ciao For Now

Your Bud

Nico

It Has Been Too Long...

     So here we are again. Another moment of truth, and another moment to just let go. I have painfully had the urge to write day after day for the past couple months, but decided to stay away for my own sanity or what seems to be a better word “Focus.” I have a tendency to switch those words around depending on what moment in time my heart is in. See, so much has been happening, mostly amazing opportunities, but sometimes just “Shit.” But it is all “OK”, because I will always be one of those people who understands that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON and someone who finds himself DRIFTING OFF INTO THE CLOUDS ON A CONSTANT BASES. I am not really going to go through every detail of the bad, because there really isn’t any point. And if you are saying “YES THERE IS A POINT! FOR ENTERTAINMENT VALUE,” then you are really looking at the wrong entry for today. LOL… For those details you can check out my Twitter account at http://twitter.com/Nicilija . No my good people, today is just for me, no snazzy back lash comment, no funny come backs, just free write. So I apologize now for all the wrong usage of my commas and periods. And for starting my sentences with words like “And” and “But.”

         Right now I am sitting in my room, desperately waiting for the sun to go down. All I really want to do is run. My destination, “ I HAVE NO CLUE,” That has been pretty much my freedom lately. Just putting on my black running shoes and running gear before heading out in a direction that feels right. It is my new obsession that I was able to regain after so many years. It helped me to not only loose 45 pounds, but it also gave me the strength to quit smoking, stop partying all the time, calm myself from worrying about relationships, and I guess grow up into the person that I lost along the way.  It is my “Anti-Crack” LOL.

      Right now I am also surrounded by gym equipment, because when God gave my family this new house he , or she ;), thought it would be funny to fit a 6.3 foot young man in a room that was meant for a 5 year old Asian girl.  If you walked into my room you would also think I was pretty much a crazy person, because you will find “NO T.V. , NO STEREO, AND NO COMPUTER OF ANY KIND.”  Besides a lab top I decided to use today. All my mirrors are covered with quotes I wrote, as well as inspirational phrases said by legendary artists like “Maya Angelou” and um (clears throat)… “Usher”. LOL…. My mom told me that psychologists call that “usage of positive thinking” while I call it “ FINALLY USING MY WORDS TO INSPIRE ME RATHER THEN JUST ALWAYS TRYING TO INSPIRE OTHERS.”

     As much as it is obviously a small ass room, it definitely describes me. The walls are patterned “BY MY OWN HANDS” with several shades of blue, while black and white photos of foreign affairs are hung on equal points of the room. I sleep on a photon rather then a bed, because ever since I moved back home, it just didn’t seem right any more. I have no T.V. or Stereo, because I like the pleasure of having a space that is simpler and untraditionally calmer than the others. My yoga mat, guitar, and mic are at my left, while books are to my right. The same books that have been getting very dusty between the pages from a lack of use. Candles are really everywhere, lol, so there is no point to describe the specific points. I do share my room with my little one. NO NOT A CHILD!... lol…but my little cat, as my dog is made to stay outside.

      Last but not least, the two things that probably describes me most, but at times becomes the most confusing. The Section where I keep artifacts from different countries and a closet filled with my wardrobe. Most of my friends get very confused when they are trying to describe who I am to people, so I usually tell them to give up. I love “Fashion” so I do have some labels, because of the fit and style that it allows me to express, while the other half is simply “Ts” and jeans. As for my artifacts, well “I LOVE DIFFERENT CULTURES AND RELIGIONS.” I was raised around enough of them, so it was bound to rub off on me. I apologize for this rant, because I just realized I pretty much wrote an entire blog describing my room. LOL…. If you took the time to read this, “Thank You”, and to read articles I actually thought more about, you can check out my past blogs. I hope everyone has a wonderful night, because it is finally time to run. Yay!!....

Ciao

Nico

Texting is for Bitches!

Have you ever Found yourself falling in love with that Hunk of a man ( or woman-wink wink…) who seemed irresistible behind the power of a Key Pad, but ended up being a complete FUCK in person? Did you find yourself drooling after every "OMG!,LMFAO!,C U 2MORO QT<3" and discover another sleepless night after the all knowing smiley faces from hell < =), ;). J , :), :P, :* … >. In the end, have you ever wondered why those AKA “TEXTING RELATIONSHIPS” have always seemed to go south (not in a good way) rather it was all butterfly kisses and hugs,

 or “WHAT ARE YOU WEARING TONIGHT,” long conversations?  Well, I have the answer for you. It’s quite simple really. Are you ready? YOU’RE A COMPLETE DUMB ASS!!! There is really no easier way to say it, unless I shortened it up a little, and to be honest I don’t wanna.  So you are just going to have to be happy with that.

      Look I’m all for the texting when it comes to being productive, or just texting to say hi when you can’t talk on the phone, or even when you’re so bored that the next best thing is to text just to annoy the HUMONGOUS BLUE BALLS out of somebody, but come on enough is enough. In truth, I have fallen prey to this adolescent behavior once in a far off time…..OK Last week, but that’s besides the point!!!! It was someone that I thought could…you know what, before I find myself going off on another tangent lets just say that HE DIED CAUSE HIS PENIS FELL OFF from leaving it too long in the doors with the little holes in it. Yes I said little.

      Any who, Gays, Straights, Ladies, and Drag-Queens-a-like, it is time to ring up the towel and go back to actual verbal conversations. PLEASEEEEE>>>>> Texting is definitely reliable, cute, and sometimes touching, but if the relationship is based more on a relationship with your phone other than the real thing, then it is never going work. SORRY! Let me let you in on a little secret that one of my best friends told me. If they are having trouble meeting up casually, then that means either “THEY ARE NOT INTERESTED, JUST WANT SOME ASS, THEY CAN’T COME TO THE PHONE CAUSE THEY ARE GETTING SOME ASS, OR JUST NOT READY FOR SOMETHING MORE SERIOUS.” I am not outweighing the chance of that someone being actually busy, but “HEY IT’S LA, AND FOR THE MOST PART IT IS PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE.” So stop with the high school drama, stop worrying what could actually happen if you drop the full on texting machine, and give yourself a chance to impress in real life. That is definitely the only way for anything to be certain, because come on “TEXTING IS FOR BITCHES” and think about it, if you say everything through your Key Pad, then there would be nothing left to say in person.

What's on the Agenda?

What's Next on the Agenda? I really don't know... Lately it has been nothing but working on sets, getting my manuscripts as perfect as possible like an "OCD MAD MAN," becoming a GYM RAT, working with my friends from "The Bungalow 118," and preparing for what I know is coming soon. But I have to say, AS SAD AS IT SOUNDS, one major part of my life that I have missed these past few weeks is writing. My Mental Blocks, in writing my poetry, don't scare me, because the need always comes back. Especially when the LOVE LIFE is at it's HIGH, but since I made a decision to stay away "I CAN"T BLAME ANYONE." But the real moments are just writing here. Showing a day to day of what is going on. These blogs to me, are like DOC SERIES in the written world. Sometimes my BLOGS are about a simply concept connected to present day, while others, like this one, are just about LIFE....

So far I have been able to meet some wonderful new people, and be within arms length of some of the BIGGEST LEGENDS in film and Television. I am proud to say, I have probably learned the most in these past 3 months about my career, then I ever had. Simply by not taking my opportunities for granted, by observing these millionaires at work, and by not being afraid to ask a couple questions here and there. I discovered that even at the top, these CELEBS have different work ethics, some more stronger then others, and different issues that becomes priority NUMERO UNO -depending on how big of a fan base they take on. I have always understood that WORLDWIDE ENTERTAINERS are just people, but my opinion is changing. I completely agree that we are all the same, and we all go through problems rather it is in business or in our personal lives, but "MAN IT COMPLETELY SUCKS" what they have to endure. I mean look at it, when we mess up the rest of the world doesn't really care or by that matter know that we exist. On the other hand, when the professionals are in the NAKED EYE of the paparazzi, every move is captured. I hear time and time again how most people see it. YES, they chose to be at this position, and YES most of the time FREE PUBLICITY RATHER GOOD OR BAD IS STILL THE BEST PUBLICITY, but come on. I was on set the other day, and I saw a crowd of these PAPARAZZI just hoping that one of these guys slip up. SCREAMING for one of the actors to trip or just lose it on set, by provoking them. I get everyone has to make a living, but it still doesn't make the actions anymore right.

I WISH SOMEONE WOULD CREATE A SHOW WHERE THE PAPARAZZI WERE THE ONES BEING CHASED. I have seen segments leaning towards this direction, but if the CELEBS. turn the tables I think the sky could be the LIMIT>>>>>OR THE END OF REALITY T.V.- but hey, in both scenarios I think the world would be a better place....I miss Old Hollywood when individuals were famous because of the work they created. It was a time when people who were on top deserved to be on top. Finally, I think the world is slowly coming back to that. And by all means, some reality shows are great. The ones that actually help people, like the biggie "Extreme Home Make Over" which works in my moms building, but some shows should be KILLED OFF. (lol) Seriously. I mean Heidi, REALLY????????????? I hear how most of my friends who work in productions, like these, HATE IT. The only reason why they allow themselves to be part of shows like this is because that is where the money is. And the ones that don't are either at the TOP WITH NOTHING TO FEAR, RETIRED, HAVE ENOUGH ENDORSEMENTS to last them a life time, or at the more REALISTIC LEVEL OF BEING JOBLESS.....But until people start making the simple choice of TURNING THE CHANNEL- real actors are not going to be given the opportunities they deserve, and less and less of the INDUSTRY is going to be taken SERIOUSLY....So come on, lets bring back the FRED ASTAIRES, the CHARLIE CHAPLINS, the MARLON BRANDOS, the AVA GARDNERS, and the JUDY GARLANDS. And while we are at it, lets allow everyone who is gay to be openly gay and finally let Bollywood settle in. Times are changing, so LET IT ALL HANG OUT!!!!.....

Putting Back the Pieces

My life as been obviously a rollercoaster, like many, but I do not forget the accounts of blessing I have received along the way.  I have been lucky to be able to study some of the greatest minds in history and some that possibly others do not even know, to help me guide my way.  At times I have made the choice not to listen, but in the end we always need to come back home. With this in mind, I ask you to read with intellect rather than judgment and understanding rather than pure curiosity.

     It is hard enough to discover yourself when life’s simple gestures just happen. With fears tagging along it makes sense to why we put our efforts into opportunities that we are good at, rather than the pleasures that give us passion. This is the hard part. Choosing which way and which direction is suited for my life.  To move in a blessing that thrives me based around people that I love, around a “Luck” that so many wish could take my place, or to choose a path that is quiet unsure.  Teddy Roosevelt stated, “Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.”  Is this other a passion? YES, but to be in something that is moved by people that I am around is not exactly self-satisfying. Fear should not be a moment of weakness, but something that allows us time to figure things out. Therefore, we must not stay in fear but move on.

     I know we have all been at that time in life where decisions have to be made based on coming back to why we are here. The reasoning of why we started out on our journey before loosing those goals because of “The Avenues we decided to change to get there.” I apologize if this does not make sense. I tend to go in circles sometimes. The point of the matter lies in the question defining the necessity of adulthood. “Do I have to be a Big Boy Now?” The answer is YES!!! That not only means doing things on your own, but also making big decisions that can affect people that you care about. One of my other favorite quotes is when Michelangelo said, “If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn't seem so wonderful after all. “ You can take this to the obvious, but I have always understood that we are going to see it through the circumstances that we are in now. The way I look at it is we don’t know, between the cracks, of what happened for him to get to this idled character in history. The day-to-day obstacles and battles other than the ones recorded. HE WAS NOT ALWAYS MICHELANGELO…. But what we do know is he did what he had to do, but than went back to his first love of sculpting.

    This probably seems unimportant, but it is a moment that I am in again. I am not saying by all means that I am compared to these people in time, but who knows. I have big dreams like you do, and passions that have been curved by my own faults. I address a man named Gerald Levin when he wrote, “I want my identity back. I don’t want to be known as the CEO…I’m my own person. I have strong moral Convictions. I’m not just a suit. I want poetry back in my life.” I guess that is the reality of the thing. To be able to move at my own will. To be able to breathe without holding my breath, and to be able to spread my wings out and just fly.