The 5 R's In Relationship

     Relationships are all different. They come in all shapes and sizes, all different colors and beginnings, but when it comes to be, the fundamentals are what makes for a long lasting success. Now, there are plenty of varieties depending on whom you’re with and how the relationship is based, but I find the five major components are the 5 R's. They are Respect, Romance, Remember, Reverend Confession, and Refine.  Don’t get stressed out. Really, it isn’t that bad. Each one has more than a little to bring to the table, so lets get started shall we.

     The first, of course, is RESPECT. This comes in all forms between people in general, but it is most important in gluing the bond between two lovers. It is the foundation that everything else builds upon like the solid concrete that holds up the Roman Coliseum. One should always know that both are equal in the relationship, because it not only brings fairness between them but it brings self-love. It provides strength so one knows they are worth it and gives them a sense of identity to speak up. Two people are supposed to have a voice and if you don’t think so, then maybe a relationship is not what you should be in.

     Another part of Respect is something I like to call “Personal Space or Place Your Case.” We all have wandering eyes that can sometimes get us into trouble, but try your hardest not to faultier under pressure. Personal space, like your lover's cell phone or even the separate gym time they like to keep to themselves, can save a relationship. Yes, when it comes down to it, people may believe when MARRIED all what is yours becomes OURS, but you're wrong. You do share lives that need to feel shared, but some things need to stay theirs. Unless of course you have reason to suspect infidelity, then in my eyes all bets are off. But until that evidence is to the forefront, DO NOT LET YOUR TEMPTATION GET THE BEST OF YOU.

    The hard part of being human for many is pride. The pride of compromising, the pride of asking for help, but one of the hardest things is the pride of apologizing when you are wrong. It may take some time to realize this, which is different for everyone, but admitting that you’re wrong when you’re wrong is for both of you. It shows that you’re not perfect, because no one is; it shows that you love your mate even if it is not a big deal to you, and it promises your lover that YOU ARE in it together. You may be someone that is used to solving matters on your own, or even might be someone that thinks they are ALWAYS right, but in the end you know that you are not. If you have to go outside for a breather, go for a walk, or even simply ask if you can have a little more time to figure it out then do it. Do not let your pride get the best of you. If you really love the person, then let them know it by showing vulnerability.

Nicolas Guerra & Aric Sky

    The next R is ROMANCE. This is one of my favorites, and it tends to be the one that many miss or lose as time progresses. Both lovers need to be romanced. I can never stress this enough. Let me repeat, BOTH LOVERS NEED ROMANCE! Only because society tries to press that it is the MAN’S JOB, it is not. Yes the man should romance over all, but don’t forget your man. You need to let them know that they are special too. I am not being a baby on this, but I always feel that guys get short handed because of what we are taught when we are growing up. For me, I like to call it SURPRISE WITH YOUR EYES. What this means is you don’t always have to go over the top (please do if that is what they like ;)), but surprise them over the holidays. That is all they ask. Just once in a while. Someone like myself doesn’t like huge surprises, but if you can find a way to give love without making it anxiety rigged, then do it, because no one else will the way that you can. And believe me, you are the one that your BABE wants to see it come from no matter what they say.

     The last part of Romance comes with the JUST BECAUSE territory. I mean come on! In truth, the holidays are really never going to be a huge surprise. Most are expecting something in the back of their minds, but how you can really get them is by doing something JUST BECAUSE. Not only will you catch your man or woman (I’m not judging) off guard, but here also is where the magic lies. It really does. If you want to get points for going beyond then hone in on the small things.

     In the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend Aric, he surprised me with sneaking roses into my car without me knowing. So when I woke up and headed to class, I had a “WHAT THE FUCK” moment when I discovered at my right there were red roses. I am not going to lie; I was scared for a moment. I didn’t know if I had a stocker or what, but especially now I can look back and have proof in my catalog of memories that he is different. He is someone that did something for me that no one else had ever thought of. And see, it wasn’t a big party and there wasn’t an event attached to it, but from his gesture I realized that I did love him and he loves me. You mean the world to me BABE. 

     Next on the Agenda is REMEMBER. This is part of the relationship that everyone has trouble with even myself. Just keep it simple when it comes to holidays. Think VALENTINE’S Day (Check), BIRTHDAY (Check), and ANNIVERSARY (Check). If you are confused with anyone of these then ASK! Ask directly or ask with charm by being slick about it. I don’t care, but there is no reason for you to forget these. Just Write the BLOODY THING DOWN or even give it to your MOMMA if you have to. There is absolutely no reason you can ever give that allows you to forget these moments. You can literally have ALZHEIMERS and your mate will not be amused.

     This goes into the next part of Remember, and that is putting your lover first after you can love yourself. Don’t get confused! You may be thinking “THIS IS A TRICK STATMENT,” it isn’t. You need to first love yourself, because how can we love anyone else if we cannot do that? Take time to get to know yourself. And in all honesty, if you have not learned to love yourself, you may not be ready to be in a relationship either. After you take some time to figure YOU-> OUT, your lover should be on your mind when it comes to decision-making, and when events come to pass that affect the relationship. Even the little things like keeping communication between each other, or getting back to your lover in a reasonable time of them calling you is part of it. Always put yourself in your lover’s shoes, and if that doesn’t help you, ask them what little things are important to them. Because they tend to be the parts that annoy your lover, and can cause unneeded arguments that could have been prevented.

      Now one of the hardest parts of the 5 R’s, or maybe for some it is the easiest, is the REVEREND CONFESSION. Let me explain. What this has to deal with is honesty, trust, and a little bit of good faith. Picture a confessional, for the Catholics, with a priest listening in on your sins. And you are sitting in a closet of a room as you talk through a little window. This is much like that but without the priest, without the claustrophobic closet, and without the Hail Marys coined with a couple of dreaded Our Fathers.  It is a place where you and your lover can speak freely, but with respect and without any precautions or prosecutions. It is a save Haven between you and your partner where you let each other know what is really going on inside, what can be worked on between each other, and even a place were you could possibly get in an apology that you might have missed.

     This is scary for many, because most couples keep a lot to themselves for the sake of compromise or for the sake of not arguing. This is where you are wrong again. I understand you may be tired from a long day, or maybe you just stopped arguing and the peace feels golden. The problem is if you do not speak up about your dilemmas, I can promise you that they are going to come up again. AND AGAIN... AND AGAIN.

      Anyways, relationships are supposed to be based on honesty, right? I mean, come on. You know damn well, that there is something you might want to say that you have locked in your mind for only your ears to hear. And as much as you might want to keep it like that, you need to let it out.

      If you find it is difficult to get a word in then write everything down, make rules for the discussion, and use a baton of sorts. Whoever has the baton is aloud to speak while the one without is there to listen. As the other speaks, you can go ahead and write it down if you must, because in the heat of the moment we all forget and even find it hard to stay quiet. A word of advice if I may add, you might want to do this when your tempers are cooled. You know, when the fire in your eyes has been left to a miniature mosquito sized lit of a flame? Both will be calm enough to listen and your risk of a heart attack will demise back down to 1%. Well, it may be more; I’m not your nutritionist, so either way it will be less than before.

    We are finally at the last R. Do I hear cheering and applause in the bleachers, or is that just my imagination? No I think I’m right.  It is cheers. The Last R is Refine. See relationships may not start complicated, but as we get older and the relationship grows they tend to become that way. It isn’t the relationship’s fault, so don’t blame. It has plenty of feelings to, and if you make it sad it may not come to cuddle you at night when you are all alone, because you didn’t listen to me. I am just playing with you, I am sure your relationship is working, and if it is not, than that is what I am here for.

    Refine is basically telling you that your relationship does not have to be complicated, even when new components like children or moving in together are added to the table. You have the power to simplify it. Patty from Million Dollar Matchmaker said it best when teaching the importance of having your NON-NEGOTIABLES. These are the things you want out of a relationship that you need to have and are not willing to change. These can include if you want a family, if you want your lover to be religious or not at all, or the nonnegotiable of needing someone that satisfies you with THE SMALL THINGS. Everyone needs to look at these first before coming into a relationship, because if you don’t then a happy long lasting relationship is nearly impossible.

    The next step is letting your lover know from the beginning. As we know, we are creatures that evolve, and we are creatures that change our minds. It is all ok, but give your lover a fighting chance will ya? If your non-negotiables change, discuss it with them and see if they are on the right page. If they are not then maybe it is time to move on, or maybe it is just time for a break. Don’t be turned off from the word BREAK, because it should be an option if needed. It doesn’t mean the person is not in love with you anymore, it simply means they need to figure a couple things out. It might not even be you, but with life throwing so many curve balls breaks can sometimes save a relationship more than you know. Now if your lover is no longer interested, then be respectful and don’t go crazy. There is a difference between fighting to get them back, and completely acting like a maniac. Love yourself enough to understand when you should fight and when you should leave.

     So there are my 5 Rs. To recap for those, like me, who have a short attention span at times, they are Respect, Romance, Remember, Reverend Confession, and Refine. We all really do come in all different shapes and backgrounds when it comes to love and relationships. But never forget that you have the power to have a successful loving and long lasting relationship. It doesn’t matter where your MOMMA comes from, if you come from a broken family, or a broken heart. We can and deserver love in our lives. I promise you, if you take time to love yourself, love your partner, and listen to these 5 R’s, you will find the right kind of love that is right for you. So keep your head up, give a smile, and continue to love, because that is what we are born to do.